Moving Through Darkness…

Sep 9

There are so many places on the internet that can tell you how to move through a dark night of the soul…

Folks can tell you what to do, what not to do, The right and wrong ways, I'm not here for that. Instead of telling you what you should do or shouldn't do, I'm going to tell you from my own experience what has worked well for me and what grew my problems into a shit storm. It may help you along your journey; it may just be a story you read. Whatever you get out of this, I hope it serves you in one way or another.

So for starters, I'm 27. According to everyone over the age of 30, I'm young. To everyone under the age of 22, well, they look at me and think I'm definitely on the cusp of being too old to go to the club. As though being in your late 20's is a death sentence or something comparable to an old phone from 2003 that serves no purpose in social trends. Needless to say, I have a modest amount of life experience under my belt. I've learned how to communicate with the ones that I love, set boundaries for my own sanity, understand what toxicity looks like, and how my own personal guilty pleasures in life bring me no proper form of happiness. I'm in an interesting age group of transition, where some wake up to adulthood and getting their shit together, while others are timid to do so in fear that they will not succeed. It's time to choose between following dreams or just being content with life as it is. Staying in a box that society creates in order to buy crap we don't need, work a job we loathe, and getting fucked up on the weekend to forget how unhappy we are as we wash down our sorrows with prescription pills and a side of disassociation.

Prescription Medication

At 15, I was put on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication due to generalized anxiety and deficient serotonin levels. I was bullied a lot; then again, I was an easy target. A young girl who didn't know who she was, what she wanted, or what she stood for. I also had VERY low self-esteem and self-worth. I might as well have had a bullseye on my back or a piece of paper that said, "kick me, I won't stop you because I don't know how to stand up for myself". Back then, I had no emotional intelligence. I don't even know that I could genuinely tell you how I felt if you asked. This lack of understanding and the codependence I got from western medication brought me to a place where I acted out… a lot… Now, I wasn't the kid who would start fights or get attention in class because I wasn't getting it at home. I just tried to fit in wherever I could. So I went through a lot of phases and put my parents through hell trying to find myself.

This all continued well past graduation. By the time I was 20, I had been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD and OCD on top of my previous diagnoses. I have seen a total of have 6 therapists, been on over 10 medications, and still found myself unable to cope. And it's no wonder. While I was trying to "fix me," I was focused on what others could do for me, not what I could do for myself. Let alone all the crap that I was taking during the prime years of my life when I should have learned coping mechanisms and healthy emotional outlets. Eventually, I realized my motivation was misplaced. I had wanted someone to fix me, and I didn't know how much I needed to heal myself, to take responsibility and accountability for my healing. During this time, I went off all my medications and started seeking advice from holistic doctors that would help me heal my emotional wounds instead of just medicating the symptoms. By the age of 22, I found out I did not have ADD or ADHD, or OCD. All the tell signs for these disorders came from symptoms of much deeper problems. Once I started recognizing toxic behaviors in myself and in others, I was able to see why I had symptoms of OCD.

In reality, all it was, was a moment in time where I tried to gain control. By cleaning and organizing, I felt as though I had taken a step in the right direction. So this became a habit whenever I got anxious, which was all the time back then. My "ADHD" was really me disassociating from my problems and focusing on a million things at once. And Instead of my doctors looking out for my best interest, they labeled me and medicated me.

Dissociation

My old friend… my net. It kept me ignorantly blissful as I continued trampling my way through life. I was like a 5-year-old in a china shop, or better yet, a tornado of destruction everywhere I went. Not physically, of course; remember, I had "OCD," so everything was neat and tidy. But emotionally, I was a wreck. And I would separate myself from myself as I got older. With all the frustration I had with my younger self, I grew shameful and guilty for who I once was and began to forget. I forgot about most of my childhood, who I spent time with in high school, and how I spent my free time in college. What classes I took in school and the friends I had... it was all so vague. I have some strong memories, but these are rare and often retold from the perspective of another who was there. In fact, many of my memories are not memories; they are a memory of a story someone told me.

And when someone would ask me about a traumatic memory, I could tell them the story. Still, it was as though I was reading out of a book with no association to myself as the main character. To remove me meant I could exclude guilt, shame, sadness, and pain. At least for a bit... However, I don't recommend this. The mind and body always have a way of bringing up things in our lives at one point or another. It's never truly gone. Just in a box, in another box, under the bed in the basement, with a lock on the door, until the lock breaks and everything spills out 7 years later... In fact, the mind will always bring up unresolved issues when the subconscious thinks you can work through it and address it.

Holistic Healing

When I started to discover my habits and coping mechanisms that were outdated and frankly unhelpful, holistic care had my back. Although this was just the beginning of my healing journey, It set a strong foundation for me to release old programming and step into a place of alignment.

From this point on, I have found remedies and wisdom in the most unlikely places. I found healing magick in my Reiki practice that accelerated personal growth; yoga helped me step into my body and out of my mind; Naturopathy empowered me to take control of my health; Oracle & Tarot readings brought me profound wisdom and strength when confronting difficult moments; Hypnosis led me into the depths of my mind, where I found awareness and insight and Astrology gave me this big picture that tied everything up in a pretty bow.

You see, it wasn't just one thing that changed my life, and it didn't happen overnight. This was years of work and practice. Even now, I am aware that the healing journey is not yet over. For I am slowly gaining awareness and insight. As I let things go that no longer serve me, I create space for new opportunities to arise, both exciting and difficult. Because sometimes, things aren't ready to be worked on until they are. Holistic healing has taught me to be patient with myself as I uncover the shadows and lend compassion to my inner child, teen, and early adult self.

Reassociation

Because I found the healing path that works for me, I have been able to reassociate. Gaining memories back that were lost, bringing awareness to the habits and influences around me from that time, and integrating those experiences with my current wisdom, knowing, and understanding as an adult. I've learned new coping mechanisms. I now understand what triggers my inner child and what to do in those situations not to revert back to old emotional attachments. I'm so clearly able to see when someone else is being triggered and how to help them cope.

Moving Forward

All of this work is by no means easy. For some time, I felt empowered by the change and challenges, and other times I felt as though I was crawling out of a deep hole of despair… fearing the unknown and what lies there. And I'm not going to lie, every once in a while, I still feel fear creeping up when I'm moving into uncharted territory, but I now know that failure only brings me wisdom. It is not the end all be all, and it's only temporary. Nothing is permanent. This knowing brings me faith and courage to push through the most difficult of times. And honestly, if I could live and survive as the sad human I was, lost in my ego and in victimhood, then I can certainly find faith in moving through emotional healing with awareness, compassion, trust, and intuition as I take accountability for all that I am and all that I choose to do.